Sunday afternoon phone calls

Every Sunday for as long as I can remember we would go see our Avo (Portuguese granma). Our father would bring us over, we'd "visit" for about two hours, and then he'd take us home. Sometimes we'd bring some Best Burger or Porky's Pizza along for the family to have for dinner, but as we got older that became less frequent.

When I went to college the Sunday visits became Sunday phone calls. I was expected to plan my weekly call around the time they went over to visit Avo so I could speak with her. If I wasn't home for holidays I also needed to make sure I called at the time they were over at Avo's. And then the passing of the phone - an event in itself - took place. My father would answer the phone, of course, then take it over to Avo, then the phone would get handed off to whoever was there. This is still the case. On the typical Sunday it's usually Avo, Tio Humberto, Tia Delita, Ginny, and father. On holidays it's at least 10 people.

Now I've also been present at Avo's when a phone call comes in and the phone gets passed around. You get to talk to the person on the other end whether or not you actually know them, and whether or not you speak Portuguese very well. It's embarassing and uncomfortable. When you're a kid you don't care to speak with someone you don't know, and it creeps you out a little bit. All you want to do is play and eat, especially when people around you are speaking a foreign language you don't understand.

Yesterday my poor little cousins were handed the phone when I was on the other end. They don't really know who I am because they were very young when I headed off to college, and I've been in Portland for seven years now. And - because my father is oblivious and thinks it's fun to force you to guess who is on the other end of the line - when they asked who it was, he told Austin and Jessica they would have to talk to the person and find out. I remember that when I was a kid. It's scary to not know who you're about to talk to, even if they are a family member of some kind. So as soon as they got on the phone I said, "Hey it's your cousin Kristen from Portland." I tried to keep it to less than a minute, knowing they could care less about this obligation of speaking to someone they don't really know.

I know different cultures have different practices, but this one is one that should be removed from the Portuguese traditions. First, if you already have a hard time understanding Portuguese, it's even harder to understand it over a cell phone. Second, it's not like you're going to have an in depth conversation with every person that you speak to. Third, you're mentally exhausted after going through three people, and it gets more and more confusing as you get handed around the room. Fourth, you feel a little like a rag doll or a piece of property as the phone gets handed around the room. And finally, it's cruel to force children to speak to family members who are basically strangers, even if we all share a blood line.

And it could be that it's just my experience. My father has never really taken the time to tell us about our Portuguese family. My older cousins spend time together and call each other and keep themselves updated on what's going on in their lives. My brother and I have had to figure things out for ourselves over the years, like birthdays and anniversaries. We were apathetic to our Sundays at Avo's because we never knew what was going on. In the last couple of years I've become more proactive and started writing down birthdays and taking more time to ask questions on Sunday phone calls. I've tried to learn Portuguese (see WANTED: Portuguese lessons) so I can better understand and talk with Avo.

Until I can become better at this Mother Tongue and until I learn more about my family, Sundays will always be a day of obligation, expectation and anxiety.